I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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