she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
