i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
