how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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