just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Text me some of your sweat
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
