BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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