thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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