Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
