I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
