He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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