I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
not ubering you a puppy
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
