So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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