I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
