So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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