So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
time to smoke my breakfast
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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