she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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