You're completely useless in the revolution.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
