Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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