you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
