I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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