Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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