My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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