I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
