a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
