I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
