So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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