i think my mom watched the whole time
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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