i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
