so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
