I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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