dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
