textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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