From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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