woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
