Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
