I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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