I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
