Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Everything about him screamed your future.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
