I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just took my morning after pill in the library
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
