found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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