i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
