Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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