I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
