She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
