Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Randomize
