I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
