so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
sarcasm needs its own font
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Randomize
