dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
