You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
