Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
